“Stand him up” – get goal side, mark closely but don’t jump in and get skinned like you did last time.
“Roast him” – use ones pace to make the old codger at full back look silly.
“Man on” – There’s a player that you can’t see you four eyed tw*t, coming at you because you’re taking too long on the ball.
“Time” – don’t panic like a headless Chicken – none of their players can be bothered to run that far.
“Lets have a call eh?” – I’ve f*cked up and lost the ball but I’ll make it look like I didn’t see the player coming and that you lot should have told me.
“Play to the whistle” – I know it was handball but you aren’t running the game – that short sighted ref is.
“Put it in the mixer” – Lump it into the box anything could happen.
“Have a dig” – Shoot from 30 yards out you never know it might be the one time out of the last hundred you actually get the ball on target.
“And again” – I know I passed you the ball but I want it back now.
“Give and go” – Give me the ball and I’ll lump it 40 yards up the pitch for you to chase.
“Show some bottle” – I know that number 4 is built like a brick outhouse but give him a dig anyway, I’ve got your back if it goes off honest.
“Away” – Keepers shout when he can’t be arsed to come out and get the ball himself.
“Heads up lads” – Usually shouted when that 14th goal goes in your net and none of you give a sh*t anymore.
“Back door” – I’m behind you – give it to me before you fall over your own feet again.
“Nuts” – Should have kept your legs shut mate.
“Square it” – I can’t run anymore so you’d better give me the ball now.
“I know where you live ref” – I say ref, that decision was a bit harsh.
“Run it off” – I know your legs fractured in 3 places but a bit of running will fix it no probs.
“Come on we’re still in this” – We’re only 5-1 down we need a miracle.
“Close him down” – I know he went past you like you were standing still but at least look like you’re trying to get the ball back off him.
“Lets have a head on this” – I’m going to lump this goal kick as far as I can, make it look like you’re trying to head it.
“Our ball ref” – I know it came off me last but I’ll see if the ref was watching.
“Get up you poof” – I know I studded you all down your leg but it wasn’t that hard.
“Down the line” – You throw/knock it down the touchline and I’ll chase it like a maniac.
“Knock it long” – Hoof it up the pitch as our midfield and forwards can’t be bothered to come back to get it themselves.
“Get warmed up son” – Run up and down the touchline like a lunatic for 30 seconds whilst smoking a fag.
“Keepers Ball” – I’m coming 15 yards out of my goal to miss this so you’d better clear it for me.
“On me head son” – Watch me miss this by miles and then blame you for the quality of the cross.
“Yours” – I’m passing the buck for winning this ball to you, don’t f*ck it up.
“Mine” – Even if I don’t win this ball at least the shout might put someone else off.
“Corner Ball” – see “our ball ref” only this time make your tallest defenders run 70 yards up the pitch, then watch them try and sprint back when your team loses the ball.
“Give him someone to throw to” – He can’t throw it that far, get closer you lazy bastards.
“Offside line-o” – I know we made you sub and made you run the line but the least you can do is help our defenders out.
“Turn and go” – I’ve given you the ball with 3 players marking you get out of that one.
“Knock it into space” – Punt it into the corner in the hope their defenders are too lazy to run there.
“Sub ref” – I’m bollixed and I’m coming off whether we’ve got someone ready to replace me or not, Besides I’m desperate for a fag.
“Look up” – You’re dribbling into a blind ally and I’m in acres of space 3 yards out with an open goal you knob.
“Ave it” – Used on the very rare occasion you or your team score a goal, Or when you’ve just scythed a particularly obnoxious opponent in half with a two footed off the ground lunge.
“Stand your ground” – Used when stood petrified in a wall with a 16 stone brute about to let rip with a ball aimed at your testicles.
“Take him on” – He’s Forty something and you’re in your twenties surely you can beat him.
“It’s over me” – Defenders shout this when they’ve totally misread the flight of the ball.
“OUT” or “GET OUT” – Shouted at the top of his voice by a defender when the keeper has the ball and he’s been under the cosh for half hour solid and he needs a break.
“Near post” – Shouted by the guy taking a corner when he’s scuffed it along the ground and it just about makes the goal mouth.
“Far post” – Shouted by the corner taker when he’s ballooned one intended for the near post.
“Hold it” – The balls been backwards and forwards like Ping Pong and your far from fit team mates need a rest.
“Lift it over him” – Hoof it up in there air because you’ve got no chance of beating him otherwise.
“Get tight” – If he gets away from you you’ll never catch him so best get in his shorts with him.
“Keep it tight” – For once we’re not getting hammered out of sight, Lets try and be a bit sensible and we might get a result here.
“stay on your feet” & “Don’t dive in” – Last time you launched into mid orbit to maim that winger he just skipped past you and scored try staying upright this time.
“Push up” – I can’t hoof it to the forwards from here so we’ll have to move the defensive line up the pitch a bit.
“Slot it” or “Slotty” – See that 6 inch gap between the 2 defenders? I want you to put it through there and I’ll nip in and score.
“Release it” – Give someone else a go with the ball you greedy bastard.
“All day long Boys” – That good old Arsenal offside trap has worked a treat again.
“Go Home” – See “Back door” same but also used when in trouble by your fullback when he is miles away from helping you out.
“Winners” – Shouted by the captain to let his troops know he expects them to compete for the ball rather than act like they’ve caught a touch of GAY.
“Keep it on the deck” – Our players all have hangovers and none of them want to put their head anywhere near the ball.
“Switch it” – Shouted by the player all alone on the wing on the opposite side to where all the play is happening in the vane hope he might see the ball.
“Put him under” – At least put him under some pressure lads, The last time he came through was like the parting of the Red Sea.
“Goal Side” – The place you’re supposed to stand when defending corners.
“Turn and face” – Don’t turn your back on the ball even if his is about to blast it you poof.
“Keep your shape lads” – I know they’re big but don’t run away from them.
“Use your left peg” – That’s the one that you normally only use for standing on.
“Slide Rule Pass” – a Player got bloody lucky as he punted it forward, It narrowly evaded the two defenders and reached one of your own players.
Playing in the Channel – A wide position where you hope no one will pass the ball to you as you’ll have to do some running.
Playing in the Hole – You’re not quick enough to get up with the strikers or back to the Midfielders.
Sweeper – A job given to the most mobile defender when his team mates have let the ball go through them.
Keeper – Normally drawn by the short straw system from the lesser players in the team. He’s given the communal team Goalie Gloves though.
On the Flank – See “Playing the Channel”
Up Front – a player that spends most of the match in the centre circle talking to the oppositions Centre Half.
Centre Half – The biggest hardest bloke you can find regardless of foot balling ability.
Left Back – Any team member that can at least kick the ball with his left foot.
Wing Back – Your right or left back when it’s minus 3 degrees in January and you’ve only had 9 players turn up. Expected to play 2 positions regardless of his hangover.
Holding Role – A player that’s too unfit for midfield.
“Sit in” – That fat oaf of a centre back has gone up for some glory cover him till he eventually waddles back.”
“He aint got the Legs” – Shouted by the manager to no one in particular when one of his players is bent double by the side of the pitch 10 minutes into the game, Red faced and struggling for breath.
“He’s got a great Engine” – Spoken about a player in the oppositions team that’s run rings round your lads for 90 minutes! Mainly because your lot are on 20 fags a day and 3 stones overweight.
“For F*$£s sake why do I bother?” – shouted several times a match when a managers players have totally ignored what he’s told them to do.
“Oi keep it shut” – shouted at the player you know has a very short fuse and is about to talk himself into getting sent off.
“Calm it Down” – see above only it’s his studs up challenges that’s the problem not his mouth.
“How long Ref?” – Sh*t we’ll never hold out that long, Blow up for Christ sake.