Dave’s Ramblings – Manchester United

I’m going to completely ignore the first half. Partly because I thought we were lucky to go in level and also because I’ve spent the last 15 minutes trying to erase it from my memory. 

After a promising, occasionally thrilling start to the season, the wheels haven’t just come off… they’ve rolled down the road, bounced into a ditch and been listed on eBay as spare parts.

So, come half-time, we were all praying for a miracle. Preferably one involving a football team remembering how to play football. Thankfully, someone upstairs was listening.

Within five minutes of the restart, Manchester United decided to demonstrate their revolutionary new defensive system. One which appeared to involve standing perfectly still and hoping the opposition would get bored.

Morgan Rogers, astonished to discover that united had introduced a pedestrianised zone in the middle of their defence, accepted the invitation. He wandered through completely unchallenged and delicately dinked the ball home. I’ve seen more resistance from an automatic supermarket door.

1–0. Phew! Suddenly, life was beautiful again and United’s defence had provided the sort of charitable donation that would bring a tear to Children in Need.

Fourteen minutes later, United decided that simply being rubbish at defending wasn’t quite enough. Lisandro Martínez generously offered to make their afternoon even more miserable. With absolutely no interest in the whereabouts of the football, Martínez decided to investigate whether Wesley Fofana’s face was securely attached to his head. VAR, presumably after checking that it wasn’t a new interpretation of the offside rule, spotted the assault and invited the referee to take appropriate action.

A second yellow card followed, with Martínez sent off for an early shower. Judging by United’s performance, he was probably delighted to escape.

Up stepped Palmer to take the resulting penalty. Cole has converted plenty of spot kicks with all the composure of a man ordering a cup of tea. This one had rather more drama than necessary. The ball just about found its way into the net, possibly after consulting Google Maps and suddenly it was 2–0.

Game over. United were down to ten men, two goals behind and displaying all the fighting spirit of a wet lettuce left in the vegetable drawer since Easter.

Estêvão had finally been handed his first Premier League start of the season by Alonso. After apparently, completing a six-month apprenticeship in bench warming, he smashed home a glorious third.

Unfortunately, VAR intervened and ruled it out for a marginal offside. Marginal in the sense that you’d probably need a microscope, a NASA satellite and a forensic examination of his toenails to spot it.

Still, 2–0 against Manchester United. We would all happily have taken that at the start of the day. At this point, the only thing missing was David Attenborough whispering, ‘And here we observe Manchester United in their natural habitat… completely lost, hopelessly confused and rapidly approaching extinction.’

Let’s be honest, this wasn’t exactly the glorious return to form we’d all been dreaming of. Nobody is going to be rushing out to buy the DVD. I suspect the highlights programme will struggle to fill five minutes without including the teams walking out of the tunnel.

But who cares? We won, collected three precious points and perhaps, most astonishingly of all, kept our first clean sheet at Stamford Bridge since the beginning of the year!

Yes, you read that correctly. A CLEAN SHEET. AT HOME. I’d almost forgotten what one looked like. The last time we managed it, Christmas decorations were probably still coming down and half the country was pretending to enjoy ‘Dry January.’

Frankly, I’m considering having the occasion commemorated with a plaque, declaring a national holiday and asking the Vatican to investigate.

My takeaways…

This week was always going to be a tough one, but one full of opportunity. Three matches, three opportunities and enough potential drama to keep a cardiologist in business for the next decade.

First up, Spurs at home. Traditionally, three points so generously donated that I’m surprised Tottenham haven’t registered themselves as a charity. Yet somehow, we managed to let them chalk up a deserved victory.

Next, Liverpool away in the Carabao Cup. Now, I’ve never been particularly bothered about this competition. But our inability to beat the most average side they’ve had in a very long time was almost depressing.

Finally, Manchester United at home. A club currently resembling a travelling circus, only with fewer talented performers and considerably more expensive clowns. On paper, another wonderful opportunity to collect three points and contribute to the ongoing national comedy that is Manchester United Football Club.

So there we have it. A week that could have been made in heaven. Six league points, a cup victory, and enough bragging rights to last until Christmas.

In the end, we had to settle for just the one victory and we made hard work of that! What could have been a glorious week of footballing triumph ended up being just about acceptable which, supporting Chelsea these days, is practically grounds for an open-top bus parade.

Still, if this result means we’ve finally turned a corner, I’m more than happy to take it. Although, knowing Chelsea, we’ll probably turn the corner, ignore the satnav, drive straight into a brick wall and then spend the next fortnight arguing about whose fault it was.

Next stop, the Stadium of Light. Let’s just hope we remember to switch ours on, because lately we’ve been playing like someone’s forgotten to pay the electricity bill.

UTC 💙

Best wishes