Boring Boring Chelsea

BORING CHELSEA DEMOLISH EVERTON

On a day when the exciting Manchester United produced a thrilling nil-nil display away to the mighty Burnley, dull Chelsea could only make do with a six-three goals bonanza at Goodison Park. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to eat Toffees and to disdainfully spit them out.

It was precisely the kind of performance and result that the legion of Chelsea-haters cannot cope with. Why? Well, firstly we silenced the boo boys about our weakness in front of goal. Secondly, our football is now highly attractive. Some might say sexy. Thirdly, we’ve even found ourselves a centre forward who scores goals! It’s all good then? Well, not quite. As sourpuss Mourinho has quickly conceded, there was one box that our troops didn’t tick, and that was solid defending. I think Mourinho would have much preferred a three-nil (or maybe even a one-nil) but the rest of us can scarcely complain about Saturday evening’s extravaganza. Of course one of our guilty defenders was none other than the red-hot Branislav Ivanovic who only went and scored again. I love his attitude, and I reckon Jose does too. While most players compete as if their lives depend on it, Branislav plays as if the lives of his family, their friends, their neighbours, and their work colleagues depends upon his efforts.

Well, someone stated yesterday that Ivanovic is currently the best full back on the planet, and frankly speaking this assessment is not far away from the bullseye. It was certainly a great day for Serbia, as Ivanovic’s compatriot, Nemanja Matic lost his Chelsea virginity by scoring during that crazy second half shoot out. In fact, this was a game of firsts, as it must be the first time that two different players from Serbia have scored in the same match for Chelsea. Bless them.

Furthermore, this must be the first time in a long time (if ever) that Chelsea have scored six times in a fixture on Merseyside. This unlikely harvest of goals completely bucked the trend of recent skirmishes between the true blues and the Chelsea wannabes. Let’s face it. Evercrap have been carved in our image in recent seasons, characterised by their resolute defending and strong physical presence. It was small wonder therefore that Chelsea often met their match (quite literally) when they locked horns with the blue half of Liverpoor. Last season’s encounters were a prime example.

Chelsea failed to score at Goodison and then at the Bridge, it took a solitary goal in added on time to separate the apparently inseparable. Consequently, there must be a horde of punters near and far cursing the fact that they pencilled in the latest contest between these two teams for a one-nil away win or a one-nil home win, or else a one-one stalemate. The very idea that either outfit might score two or three seemed almost laughable in the extreme. There again, Jimmy Greaves, himself no stranger to scoring for Chelsea against Everton, did frequently quip that “It’s a funny old game, Saint.”

Of course Chelsea and Everton have occasionally delivered exciting fare, though certainly not on the monumental scale of Saturday past. The 2009 FA Cup final had its moments, no doubt helped by the underdogs taking a shock first minute lead. Previous to that there was that fine three-two comeback at Goodison in late 2006 when Drogba and Lampard scored the kind of special goals befitting their legendary status. However Saturday the thirtieth of August came like a bolt from the blue. We kind of knew that Chelsea were an improvement on last year’s vintage and we knew that Diego Costa could cause some damage, but blimey that six-three circus performance was not in our wildest dreams or even Evercrap’s worst nightmares.

Regrettably, the only blot on the beautiful landscape came from Roberto Martinez who stooped to the old trick of vilifying an opponent in order to divert attention away from the fact that he has now presided over a team that has conceded ten goals in its first three matches. Clearly Roberto and the Evercrap faithful are hurting from the fact that Lukaku didn’t score the winner against Chelsea and rub our noses in it. Instead, the Chelsea fans sang that Torres is better than Lukaku, and hey it doesn’t get much more insulting than that! Unfortunately, now that Martinez has mischievously cultivated the theory that Costa is the Premiership’s new bogeyman, then lo and behold the rest of the media have accelerated their silly arses onto the latest witch hunt.

Not that DC is far from blameless. He clearly thrives on confrontation and would have been at home in the Vinny Jones and Dennis Wise ‘crazy gang’ from bygone days of yore. The trouble is that while Diego has clearly passed his early audition as a goalscorer,
the knives are now being sharpened for his behaviour in future outings. God knows that it can’t be easy playing in the goldfish bowl of public scrutiny, but it is increasingly rare to find a striker who is both lethal and squeaky clean. Unlike Lineker or Michael Owen, Costa isn’t merely a smiling assassin or possess choirboy looks. No. He’s a badass who is going to create havoc upon opposing teams. I just hope that he at least keeps his teeth to himself!

Finally, if there is a Premiership player of the month award for August, then there should be a short list of four names: Costa, Fabregas, Ivanovic, and Matic.

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